A Pilgrim woman told her husband it would be nice to invite the Indians over for dinner to thank them for all their help since the arrival at Plymouth Rock.  She asked him to go hunting and catch a nice big pheasant so they could have a celebration.  The husband, having just gotten off the boat, wasn’t much of a hunter, but he did his best and set a snare along a small path in the woods.

A short while later, a pheasant came down the path and noticed the circle of strings.  "Gee," it said, "That looks like a trap.  Someone could get hurt in one of those."  And the pheasant gingerly stepped around the trap. 

Soon another pheasant came down the path and saw the snare.  “Gosh!”  it said.  “A bird could get caught in one of those.  They shouldn’t be left lying around.”  And the pheasant carefully stepped around the trap and went on its way.

Then, a turkey came down the path.  Upon seeing the snare, it said, "Wow! A trap!  I wonder if it works ..."

You know your family is dysfunctional if Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

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A young boy after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard,"

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My wife invited some people to Thanksgiving dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife answered.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

15> Silent But Deadly Night

14> All Come, Get Your Face Full

13> All I Want for Christmas Is Mylanta, Please

12> O Holy Crap, I'm Stuffed!

11> Dark! The Drumstick, Neck and Wings!

10> The First and Goal

9> Do You Smell What I Smell?

8> Grandma Got Run Over By a Pilgrim

7> My Weight Is in Danger

6> It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Uncle Chet Got Into the Liquor Cabinet and Is Hitting on Cousin Michelle *Again*

5> O Come, Maul Three Plates Full

4> Angels Eat a Bird on High

3> I Saw Mommy ****ing a Turkey baster

2> Good King Applesauce

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thanksgiving Carol...

1> Carol of the Belch

Copyright 2007 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.

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20. A roll: Feed all the contestants on "Americas Next Top Model."

19. Green bean casserole: Add another layer of hilarity to the whoopee cushion planted for Monday's staff meeting!

18. Gravy: Surprise snowball centers!

17. Drumstick: Great for beating your timid Democratic congressman over the head with.

16. Turkey carcass: Just a coat of Krylon away from being a sturdy battle helmet.

15. Gravy: Keep the turkey baster handy too. Together they might come in handy in case waterboarding is ever ruled to be illegal.

14. Turkey: A few days after Thanksgiving, it becomes an amazingly effective appetite suppressant.

13. Mashed potatoes: Spackle substitute.

12. Raw turkey neck: The grandkids never tire of the old "detachable penis" bit.

11. Jell-O salad: Before indulging her Christmas wish, let your insecure 16-year-old test-drive a couple of DD implants at school for a week.

10. Green bean casserole: Use to lubricate the garbage disposal.

9. Drumstick: Marital aid for her. Pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, etc.: Marital aids for him.

8. Turkey: Perfect for invading Iraq!

7. Giblet gravy: The world's best fake vomit, plus it can be used to induce *actual* vomiting!

6. Yams: Comedy prop to be used during your Popeye impression. (Carrot Top only)

5. Turkey: Send to lab. Extract steroids and growth hormones. Feed Barry Bonds.

4. Cranberry sauce: Spread gently on head of baby; have toddler pose nearby with brick; wait for the hilarity of Mom's scream.

3. What could possibly be better than a bean-bag chair? A *gravy*-bag chair.

2. Dark meat: Add a little bleach and you've got white meat, Jacko-style!

and the Number 1 Little-Known Use for Leftover Thanksgiving Food...

1. "Dear Topfive, What's a 'leftover'? Sincerely, America."

Copyright 2007, 2008 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.

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