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Mother's Poor Health

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#1 of 20 Posted Oct-31 10:43 PM

From David W. Posts 250 Last Nov-20
To All [Msg # 25956.1 ]

As several on this board noted, I posted a comment that suggested I knew of more unpleasant news that I have not shared. Tonight, I have some time to share a bit of what I know. I hope it is not too much detail for you. First a little bit of background. My sister and her husband live next door to my mother and stepfather.

In April of last year, Mother learned she had stage 4 liver cancer. At that time the doctor told her stage 4 patients usually survived 3 to 6 months. I was able to visit her in May of last year. At that time she was hoping to live to her 40th wedding anniversary in June. (Mother and Dad divorced in 1961 or 1962. Mother remarried in 1968.) In September 2008, my wife and I visited Mother. She was doing reasonable well. She was on chemo treatment. The tumors were greatly reduced in size. Even with treatment, she continued to very, very slowly get weaker and lose weight.

Three or four weeks ago, my sister emailed me to tell me the cancer had spread to Mother's lungs. We knew that her days were growing short and she may not see the new year. On Sunday, October 25, my sister called. I was at apheresis and spoke to her for only for a minute or two. (My sister had another call coming in that she needed to answer.) From the brief conversation I learned that Mother had a stroke and was in the hospital. Later Sunday, I spoke with my sister and learned details of Mother's condition. Mother had a major stroke on Saturday. We did not know how long it was from when the stroke occurred to when she was found. Mother was paralized on her left side, was unable to swallow, and was unable to speak. She still had some cognitive capabilities. She made it clear that she did not want a feeding tube, a ventilator, or other extraordinary measures. My step-father and sister agreed to honor her wishes. I agreed with my sister that we should honor Mother's wishes.

I was a bit stressed looking at commitments I had for their week and trying to work out what I needed to do and when I needed to do. I took care of my Monday (providing a sound system for a Candlelighters' party) and checked on the Saturday night commitment (providing DJ services and sound for a dinner to raise money for Candlelighters). (Candlelighters is a support group for families with children with life threatening diseases like cancer.) With very few commitments for the dinner, we decided to cancel the dinner. On Tuesday, I checked flights and decided to fly to Texas on Friday or Saturday and return on November 8. Tuesday evening I learned Mother was moved to Hospice care. Later that evening, I emailed my band booster friends and told them I could not help with the away game on Friday nor with Band Day on Saturday. Meanwhile, my wife had flown to Memphis on Tuesday morning to participate in a medical study at St. Jude Children's Research Hospital with her return scheduled for Friday. Her trip was scheduled to coincide with our daughter's annual check-up at the hospital. This daughter is a freshman at the University of Memphis. I was home with the 16 year old daughter. I finally made reservations to leave about 8:30 AM Friday. My wife would be returning to town about 3:20 PM Friday.

Friday, I flew to Texas and was met at the airport by my sister and her husband. We went from the airport to Hospice to see Mother. Mother was resting comfortably. She seemed to respond somewhat to my sister's voice and to my voice but she was not fully conscious. After staying about an hour and a half, we left so Mother could rest. Today, Mother was less responsive but was resting comfortably. From my nonprofessional assessment, her remaining days are few.

Thankfully, many of the items that must be addressed when one dies have already been taken care of. Funeral arrangements were made and prepaid several years ago. Some minor changes are needed to address some special needs of family members that did not exist several years ago. We have spent some time with my step-father discussing what he wants done with many of Mother's things that hold no sentimental value to him. He does not want to lose his wife of 40 years but he does not want her to suffer. My sister and I are accepting what has happened and agree with our stepfather, we don't want to lose Mother but we don't want her to suffer.

As I have further news to share, I will post as soon as I am able.

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#2 of 20 Posted Oct-31 11:42 PM

From Conrad K Posts 6661 Last 7:02 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.2 25956.1 ]

David.. So very sorry to hear that you, too, are looking at an impending loss. I am glad, though, that you were able to see her. I've been a forum member for many, many years and I don't think we've ever had so many family losses all at one time... connie

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#3 of 20 Posted Nov-1 12:53 AM

From Sysop Dot Posts 6191 Last 2:44 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.3 25956.1 ]

David, I'm so sorry you're looking at the immediate prospects of losing your mother, but I agree with your family's wishes that she not suffer needlessly. I felt the same way about my dad, who had advanced congestive heart failure and dementia from small vessel disease in the brain. (He was a Type 2 diabetic before much was done for them.) He had repeated aspiration pneumonia, and we always pulled him back from the brink, just to make him go through it all again. We decided not to hospitalize him the next time it happened, and I was with him at the nursing home when he finally passed away. Letting him go was the right thing to do.. It appears you feel the same about your mother.

It's never easy to say goodbye, but sometimes it's harder to watch a loved one suffer. I wish you all peace as your mother passes through this final phase of her life.

Dot

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.

--Anonymous

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#4 of 20 Posted Nov-1 10:59 AM

From GretchenB-EA Posts 1816 Last 11:35 AM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.4 25956.1 ]

I'm so sorry, David, to hear about your mother's illness. My thoughts are with you.

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#5 of 20 Posted Nov-1 9:56 PM

From David W. Posts 250 Last Nov-20
To GretchenB-EA [Msg # 25956.5 25956.4 ]

Conrad, Dot, Gretchen

Thank you for your kind words. Mother passed from this life shortly after noon today. While we do miss her, we are comforted in knowing she is no longer suffering from the ravages of cancer and a stroke. Seeing her a mere shadow of her former self was difficult. For family that lives in close by, the emotional drain of the past 18 months has been tremendous. Tonight, everyone seems to be more relaxed than I have seen them since arriving on Friday. We will grieve and feel the loss but the healing and coping with the loss has already begun.

Tomorrow, we'll finalize the funeral arrangements. I'll stay the rest of the week and return home on Sunday.

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#6 of 20 Posted Nov-1 9:58 PM

From David W. Posts 250 Last Nov-20
To Conrad K [Msg # 25956.6 25956.2 ]

Please the the group reply I wrote to Gretchen.

David

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#7 of 20 Posted Nov-1 9:58 PM

From David W. Posts 250 Last Nov-20
To Sysop Dot [Msg # 25956.7 25956.3 ]

Please the the group reply I wrote to Gretchen.

David

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#8 of 20 Posted Nov-1 10:01 PM

From Sysop Dot Posts 6191 Last 2:44 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.8 25956.5 ]

David, I'm so sorry your mother had to go through so much before passing away. How much better we all would be if we could be assured of passing away peacefully in our sleep. I'm sorry, too, for the stress your mother's illness placed on your family. I hope you now find peace in knowing that her struggles are over.

Dot

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.

--Anonymous

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#9 of 20 Posted Nov-1 11:10 PM

From Conrad K Posts 6661 Last 7:02 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.9 25956.6 ]

Our condolences, David... connie

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#10 of 20 Posted Nov-2 12:25 AM

From SYSOP-Arlene Posts 8073 Last 7:18 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.10 25956.5 ]

Sincere condolences to you and your family, David.

Arlene

Click Here to give free mammograms.

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#11 of 20 Posted Nov-2 2:22 AM

From Marte Brengle Posts 618 Last Nov-20
To David W. [Msg # 25956.11 25956.5 ]

I am so sorry to hear about that, David. My mother had a stroke and a heart attack and survived, only to die of inoperable lung cancer.

I hope your mother and your family are now at peace.

infmom.net

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#12 of 20 Posted Nov-2 2:30 AM

From Sysop-JohnC Posts 246 Last 2:15 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.12 25956.5 ]

Dear David,

My sincere condolences at the loss of your mother.

As with my Margaret I hope that you can take some comfort from the fact that she is now pain free.

Kind regards,

John

Diabetes Forum

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#13 of 20 Posted Nov-2 7:14 AM

From SYSOP- Paula Posts 144 Last 11:29 AM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.13 25956.5 ]

Dear Dave,

I'm so sorry to hear of you mom's struggle with liver cancer and the pain you and your family must all be feeling at he death. It seems so beautiful, though, that your mom was able to continue on with happiness for so much longer than her doctors first thought, that she was able to express her final wishes clearly and strongly in her last days, and that she was able to hear you at her side once more at the very end of her days. What a wonderful thing that you were able to arrange your commitments so that you could give your mom your presence -- and be there with your sister and stepfather, too.

My thoughts are with you in these sad days and I hope very much that the grief will ease soon, leaving only the sweet memories of your dear mother's life and love.

WIth hope,

Paula

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#14 of 20 Posted Nov-3 7:43 PM

From Marilyn L Alm Posts 112 Last Nov-20
To David W. [Msg # 25956.14 25956.5 ]

David,

Please accept my condolences on your mother's Passing.

I hope that you will be granted a dream of her as I was of mine: Mom as she was when I was about 8, in a beautiful garden like one of the ones she created when we were in New Mexico, with six dachshunds -- three black-and-tan smooth standards, one brindle standard smooth, and two miniature black-and-tan smooths romping around her, and two cats -- her childhood cat, and the black cat I grew up with -- seated at her feet. She was smiling.

-- Marilyn

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#15 of 20 Posted Nov-4 12:46 AM

From David W. Posts 250 Last Nov-20
To All [Msg # 25956.15 25956.14 ]

Everyone,
Thank you for all the kind words and expressions of concern and support.

Tonight was a good night. Many friends of my mother, stepfather, sister and her husband, and nephew and his wife came to visits us tonight. Many friends and coworkers of local family members cam out tonight. Several members of the volunteer fire department wore their dress uniforms when they came to pay their respects and spend time with the family. (My nephew and sister are department officers. On large grass fires, Mother helped prepare food and drink for the fire fighters on the line.) Afterwards, we went to dinner at a local casual restaurant with three friends. We had a good time. Afterwards, my sister commented on how much better she felt. Dinner was a needed stress relief for all.

Tomorrow, the weather will be nice for a graveside service. While we may have sorrow and tears and grieve in the days ahead, the healing has begun.

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#16 of 20 Posted Nov-4 2:19 AM

From Conrad K Posts 6661 Last 7:02 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.16 25956.15 ]

David.. Glad to hear that it's going well with warm remembrances among family and friends.. connie

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#17 of 20 Posted Nov-6 11:42 PM

From David W. Posts 250 Last Nov-20
To Conrad K [Msg # 25956.17 25956.16 ]

Connie and Everyone,

Thank you to everyone for their well wishes and expressions of concern.

The funeral was Wednesday. We had a number of friends and family come to the funeral. The service was upbeat and ended with a line piper playing Amazing Grace while he walked up to the grave side and then walked off. As the music faded, the piper finished the song and began playing "Scotland the Brave" as he continued to walk. My sister wanted the piper as the end of the service and the piper's playing made a fitting end.

Today, everyone is doing well. My stepfather commented that he was able to go out without feeling guilty that he had left his wife's side. This was after we (my brother-in-law, nephew, and I) had gotten my step-father out of the house for a few hours today.

Again, thank you to all for your well wishes, and expressions of concern.

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#18 of 20 Posted Nov-7 2:08 AM

From Conrad K Posts 6661 Last 7:02 PM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.18 25956.17 ]

>> Again, thank you to all for your well wishes, and expressions of concern. <<

David.. We appreciate your willingness to share your loss with us. Take care.. connie

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#19 of 20 Posted Nov-8 6:59 AM

From SYSOP- Paula Posts 144 Last 11:29 AM
To David W. [Msg # 25956.19 25956.17 ]

Dear David,

What a loving and touching way to end your mom's service. We had musicians at my father's graveside and, though it brought us all to tears, it was also comforting to us because it felt so fitting. I think everyone there felt better for it.

I hope your daughter's checkup went very well and you'll be able to put some extra time aside to do the things that will help ease your grief.

- Paula

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