9/13/2006 This is a collection of posts since i started becoming involved here thanks to Regina and a lot of other folks here. I'm sure over time, I'll have lots more to add to it. I know I have demons to conquer and a past to put to rest, chemistry to struggle through and the loss of my son from my own harsh decision, but it was HIS decision to accept it. S
7/23/06
After today's healing circle I thought that in order for you to help me and for me to help myself, it might be wise for those involved to know a little more about me.
I'm not just a middle aged chic with Hep C and a problematic 18 year old boy.
I don't know how many of you have read my posts over the last 12-15 years in either of the forums, so maybe i can give some basics:
Given up for adoption when i ws 5 days old-- found birth mom 40 years later
Raised in a Catholic home, however that really never really clicked for me although it did give me some basis for faith in something and at this time I'm still not sure what or who to believe in,so that leaves just me. Its all I've got.
I suppose you could say i have a lot to be angry about as a child-- came from 2 broken homes-- the adopted family divorced and then mom married someone else and that's how i wound up in the south and because he was a raging alcoholic- they divorced. so mom raised me and my brother(6 years my elder) by herself.
Speaking of my brother, he died in 2000(gunshot), he had hep c too. His best friend died waiting for a liver transplant.
My grandma bought me a Ouija board when i was 10 and I kept thru my teens. Don't really remember what happened to that thing. Dabbled a little in the supernatural with a friend in my early teens-- she found jesus and i found dope.
Married at 18 and divorced at 25. Had my first epileptic seizure at 24 with only 2 more to follow thank God!!
Pregnant at 26-aborted
Met Son's dad-pregnant-baby died 2 weeks after he was born from spina bifida, finally got my sh** together
1 year later the doc found a giant cyst attached to my ovary and ws gonna do a hysterectomy but i declined stating i wanted a child first-- I know-- What was I thinking , right??
I was pregnant with my son 6 months later
by 1999, the dad and i split due to alcohol and violence and i think that winter i discovered that my son had hip displaysia and had to have corrective surgery.
2002 i found out i had hep c. Asymptomatic
2003- son was diagnosed with Rheumtic Fever and one year to the day, he relapsed and was then diagnosed with Stills disease, a form of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.
Does Anyone see a pattern here??? I do. Lots of anger. Someone once told me anger affects the liver.
I see LOTS of angry people in this history.
Now how to take all this negativity in my life history and turn it around to something positive.
Sure, I'm a strong person because of it all but it also makes me very anxious from time to time. My mom was very authoritative--guess she had to be but gives me a fear of authority in any form.
I need to find my own authority, for lack of a better word-- how bout strength? I need to find my own voice, I need to turn all this bad crap around into something good.
Ask me bout the good times---all i can tell you is sex, drugs and rock and roll--- its where i found my intuition, its where i fit in, its where i felt safe but I know I can NOT go back there. And the oddly sickly and ironic thing is, in order to get better from hep c, I'll have to self inject meds when the time comes.
I guess that's enough for now.
give me all the input you guys got so i can get strong and get ready to fight the dragon
Merry
7/28/2006
This is more of a reply to self; perhaps it should be moved to a journal.
Anyway I was thinking and what I though is that I feel pain. Not like a headache pain but emotional pain. And the thing is I want someone else to feel my pain but they don't want to know about my pain. They are happy in their little lives, not living outside the box. If they feel my pain then they too would suffer or feel obligated somehow and they don't want that.
Why is is so hard for some peole to feel compassion for another human being?? To walk in someone elses shoes? What are they afraid of?
When they choose to ignore me or neglect me, they shut me out. I presume this would lead to my heart getting cold, to build up walls which creates more pain.
Are they afraid of feeling anything?? Anything at all???
I'll get back to this.
08/03/2006
went to the beach for my vacation and wound up sick as a dog. I spent the whole time in the bed, not seeing the view i paid for, and only getting out of bed long enough to get something to eat.
I'm home one day early and I'm still wondering if I'll be well enough to return to work on Monday. I've coughed so much that I hurt something in my tummy and i still feel so aweful.
Please if its not too much trouble, keep me in your prayers.
08/05/2006
I think I discovered in the last 24 hours or so that I've gone into life with expectations. I expect things will or should be a certain way, or that I just "want" some fulfillment and knowing that if i get it, the good feelings will go away. I guess sorta like sex, it feels great but once its over, all the excitement and the "want" is over.
I know i can't make the bad things go away, but I sure would like to feel the "wanting" a lot more often. The part that makes one feel alive. I just shouldn't expect amything from it and to just go with it.think I discovered in the last 24 hours or so that I've gone into life with expectations. I expect things will or should be a certain way, or that I just "want" some fulfillment and knowing that if i get it, the good feelings will go away. I guess sorta like sex, it feels great but once its over, all the excitement and the "want" is over.
08/06/2006
For once in my life I think I'm finally learning, thanks to you guys and the Universe and maybe even some well spoken words/prayers at the beach.
I feel sure life will test me on this but if I continue to believe in myself and not expect so much out of life and other people I feel confident I will continue to heal and learn.
Learning to accept myself the way that it is and to enjoy it completely will be a blessing.
I think I feel a prayer of gratitude coming on.
08/10/2006
Do you remember that prayer i told you about? the one about healing waters?
Well, I've written an additonal line to it-- let me feel you in the gentle rain.
9/14-2006
Chemistry class and the teacher is making me crazy. I'm starting to second guess my career choice. Supposing i actually make it thru chemistry with a passing grade, do the Hobet and make a good score and get accepted into the program of choice, Radiography, how on earth will i support myself as a full time student?? I've got enough money woes, so a student loan is NOT an option. Chemistry is the last class i need to fulfill my prerequesites.
I actually love what I'm doing right now for a living but I just dont' see myself wrestling dogs into my retirement. What is the retirement age anyway? AT any rate, 25K/year is not enough. No, i don't want to go to vet tech school. Doesn't pay any more and the hours are longer and the responsibilities are bigger. Besides that, they have to work with PEOPLE! That leads me right back to Radiography-----I'd have to work with people. I'd have to clean up after people. I can't clean up human feces or vomit! Couldn't do it when i worked housekeeping in a hotel.
So I've worked so hard for something i may not want??? What's up with that? What to do with my life??
Speaking of life, yesterday i spent most of the day thinking of Chris. I miss him. He;s been telling me his father is getting a house somewhere. They're waiting on it to close. Actually the house is supposed to close today. What's odd is Troy isn't the one buying the house, someone else is. Troy doesn't have anything but bad credit, owns nothing in his name and would like to keep it that way. Keeps child support enforcement off his butt. So anyway, there's theis house and supposedly there's an additional house on the property that they would rent. Don't know where this place is and Chris says no one has been to see it. Chris also says if that falls thru there's a place about 40 miles from here and another in Rock Hill, SC. I really don't want Chris to move away. His father is irresponsible and would never take time off from work to bring him to his doctor's visits. Chris has Still's disease. He takes weekly injections of Methotrexate. Chris's insurance stops in December.
It hurts to know that my son is gone and I'm the reason he's gone. I knew someday he'd move away, on his own.
I've always let Chris make all his own decisions for the most part. Most of his choices have been good, even thought at the time, i thought he was nuts; like the time he opted NOT to take driver's ed.
When i asked him to THINK about finding another place to live, he didn't bat an eyelash, said he'd have his stuff out tthe next day. Sure enough he did. And yet he's angry with me. It took him at least a month for him to be able to tell me he loved me.
I called his father's house last nite and his dad was very reluctant to even tell me if my son was there. First he said he didn't know, then it was he's asleep, then it was he didn't know, then it went to I'll have him call you. What's wrong, he said, is it bad news? No, i said. Well, what do you want, he said? I just want to talk to my son!! Granted it was all just small talk, it was good to hear his voice. I told him, I love you and I miss you. he said, i love you too.
I think he's had 8 years with me, now its time to spend it with dad and see how the other half lives. Maybe he'll figure something out. Maybe he won't see me in such a bad light unless his dad colors it up a bit. Anyone who Troy can't get along with in his world, is termed "crazy". He used to call me crazy. Maybe I am or maybe he made me that way. I don't know. Troy is only interested in what other people can do for him and material things and alcohol. He met this woman, 10 years his senior, she had money and a nice house with an inground swimming pool and a good job. Now all of sudden, she's crazy. He can't stand her anymore, so he says. course he's been saying that for a couple of years now. I don't get it. I'm just glad I got away from it. This is the same man who Chris begged me weekly to get him away from when he was young. And now my son is living with him.
So now my house is empty except for the pets, 2 dogs and 3 cats. I have no life outside of that and school.
I miss Chris but I don't miss all the drama and the troublemakers that came with him.
zJust after my last post about Chris, guess who shows up at my door say 20minutes later?? He's here to visit with friends. I started thinking again how much i missed him. And then I started thinking about the drama. He has so much drama because of his friends. One of his friends got robbed for 700 dollars. Actually it serves that kid right. He was headed down a bad path. Don't know if it will change that kid or not, but I'm just glad my son isn't that kid.
Anyway, it was almost like he never left. He got something to eat and i didn't mind a bit. I'm happy to feed him. I was glad i had food here for him to eat. He stayed a while but we never really talked. I really want to talk to him about choices and decisions that both of us have made and will made. I want to let him know my heart is always open and my door is open as long as I'm at home.
Seperate Journal Entry
Sept.14, 2006
WORK
Even though I know the days are getting shorter in terms of light and dark, the workday is getting longer. There seems to be less and less to do other than clean. I'm sick of cleaning. I just cant seem to get motivated to do much of anything because its so monotonous even though they pay me to do all this cleaning when there isn't anything else to do. Well, everything has been cleaned and recleaned. I watch this one girl, who just goes on, never letting this kind of stuff get to her. How does she do it? Outside of a paycheck, what motivates her? How does she move past the redundance of all this freaking cleaning?
Speaking of the days getting shorter in terms of lightness and darkness, as the days get shorter and we get less light, what becomes of my "source" of lightness? How can I stay in the "light" or keep the Light with me when its dark and cold outside? What part of the dark of winter can I embrace to keep me grounded and connected? The summer sun and its rain and the waters of the earth are what I connect to in the lighter days of spring and summer. We rarely get snow here in the south. I love the snow and how it makes me feel and how peaceful the earth is when its all covered in whiteness/lightness.
I've learned to appreciate the rain and all its blessings and healing powers. Will i be able to do it in the midst of winter?? I suppose a good fire inside or out would be a good place to start. Fire does change the ambiance. Can't do fire at work though. Maybe i'll just have to make it something to look forward to.
Merry ~ It was good thinking to collect all your important posts and replies here in one place, in your journal- though I don't often go back and read all my journal posts, I do revisit some of them, and it is good to have them all together. Your story is so important to me- I remember telling you how much I could identify with you and the anger and frustration - especially the anger of how it seems that everyone has written me off, and I was so neglected- sometimes I still feel like that. I have to remember that those I feel have turned away have their own stories that haunt them- though they may not be as aware of theirs as I am of mine- or as truthful about their feelings- I never understood how anyone who might feel the same things I felt could have happiness- or else they just did not really feel the same things as me- they couldn't have, because surely they would not be so light hearted and skippidy-do-dah! If they felt the same things I felt, they would surely understand me when I talked of the pain and the angst and the trapped feelings and the feelings of dread...
I realize now more than ever that I wanted so for someone to hear me- to say they really knew how it felt to be me- to say they have spent a mile or two in my moccosins and they understand...Some would say that I was fishing for sympathy- well, hell- I sure was, and still do sometimes- and there is nothing more human and normal than wanting someone to wrap you in their arms and protective friendship and say, I know how you feel, and I support those feelings that are so real and hurt so bad! To say, I see the hard road you have been traveling, here come take a bit of refuge in my corner and rest yourself while I fix you a soup of some of my leftovers so that you can see I have traveled that same road and I know what you are feeling. I'll patch your moccosins while you put your feet up to my hearth and warm yourself. We will tell stories of our travels and share the bumps in our roads together- and slip in a song or two of hope and a few smiles and a laugh or two and begin to heal our hearts while we share the loaf of the bread of our souls.
And when we say that it seems to never stop- the bumps just keep coming, we both know what it feels like to be there in that bulls eye that seemed to just draw negative energy to us.
Now we are on that road again, traveling our paths to ourselves, meeting those along the way who do know us and understand, seasoning our soups with new friendships and new connections to Spirit and reframing our lives in the strength of our resolve to love, be loved, and be happy.
There was a time when I would say- oh, well, it sounds so simple- but...
And now I say , ahh, but it really is.
Remember, the light is in you. When you feel cold and things seem dim, come sit by the hearth with one of us again and warm yourself.
In the mean time, visit the tanning bed a few times...
Love and Blessings !! TJ
TJ:
The tanning bed is no longer an option as i have had skin cancer twice. once on my forehead and once on my back. Sitting by the hearth with one of you isn't always easy.
Journal entry
Today was a highly emotional day. There was this cat that came in. She was a stray that someone had left behind and one of the neighbors found but couldn't keep. One of the girls at work was offered this cat. It was love at first site. But lo and behold, the cat had feline AIDS and had to be put to sleep as the girl already had a cat at home an couldn't keep it. It would have died anyway.But in a strange and wonderful way this cat caused 4 girls, myself included to bond and mourn. She taught us about love in a day. I wrote a poem about this but when i'm a little straighter, i'll post it.
tonite was the Rascal Flatts concert. I met a girl who had liver cancer and is dying. Don't know if a transplant is an option. but when rascall flatts played that song called Sara Beth, I started to cry. I felt to bad for this girl but i knew she didn't want my pity or anyone elses. And yet there was something I wanted to do for her. I didn't know what and I still don't. But I thougth i had so much to be thankful for adn sadly enough to know it wasn't me, at least not yet. Now who's road is harder and longer?
Will write more tomorrow when i'm better.
Sept. 16, 2006
Its a new day. I'm tired, naturally, because of last nite. My emotions are still rolling a bit and I feel sure that PMS has its big ol' hand in this. I still feel the same as I did last nite when induced by alcohol.
I saw Chris and his dad last nite on my way home. It was nice and weird just the same. I'm always happy to see Chris but it was somehow strange that our paths should cross on my way home from the concert. Troy says he's buying a Jaguar and that stupid house on the lake. Him and what money? Him and what credit? He has none! I've always known him to be such a BS'er. He lies about everything. Always has and probably always will. He keeps talking about my brother like he knows him, like he has some bond with him. The man is dead. He never knew Web, yet he claims to know all his friends etc. but he can never get more specific than Sam Pruitt and T-bird. I've never heard of a Sam Pruitt. T-Bird I know, in fact i know his real name. All i see is Troy living in the material world, trying to keep up with the Jones's and impressing people with his lies.
As for me, all i see is my heart overflowing for both people i know and don't know. I told Jeania about my poem for her short-lived cat to be and we both started to cry. Guess I should post that poem now.
For one little cat that nobody knew, bonded four girls in an afternoon. One loved her dearly it was love at first sight. She didn't know yet of this cats certain plight. No one knew she would leave us so soon. Pyewacket was her name. To teach us of love was the reason she came. In one afternoon her work here on earth was done. Now she's gone home to be with the "One".
That poem was my only journal entry for yesterday in my book. The one posted here was an edited/revised version. I like this one better.
Guess I'll go take a nap now.
I hope to one day make peace with Chris. I think I'm working on it. I thought I could do it with his dad after 7 years of anger and hate and disgust for all the things he did to both me and my son. Just a couple of months ago, I thought I'd reached that place, only to find that I was just as gullable or naive as ever when it comes to him and his lies. I pray Troy doesn't fill Chris's head full of those same aweful lies. I pray Chris will see the light and remember all those things he's decided to forget.
I happened to mention to him(Troy) last nite about the Aerosmith concert. It falls on his birthday. He asked when it was and then said, if i bought him a ticket he'd go with me. Do i have STUPID painted all over my face??? Sure that's just what I want to do is take a raging alcoholic on his birthday to a concert where he would proceed to get drunk(er), start a fight, make snide comments to/about my lesbian friends--- he hates gays, assert his arrogance etc. Oh and I'm supposed to PAY for it?????? Yeah, that would be bright, pay for abuse!!! Screw him!! I'm sure he only said it to cast a good light on himself in front of Chris.
God help me and Chris. I suppose Chris is old enough now to decided about his father. I wouldn't let that happen when Chris was little, i couldn't. I wish I never had. I wish Troy had fallen off the planet.
I gave Chris everything I could give over the last 8 years. Now its Troy's turn. Let Chris decided what's right and/or wrong. Maybe he'll get the best of both parents.
Somebody call me in 8 years and let me know.
Wow, 8 years, Chris would be 26 going on 27. I hope we all LIVE to see that !!!
Merry- Sorry about the tanning bed comment- I should've known better.
Love, TJ
September 16, 2006 10:11 pm
I've been wondering about love. Not the romantic kind, but perhaps the unconditional kind. I've also thought about people in general and why I have such a hard time "dealing" with them. I wonder if the 2 are linked in some way.
See, I think that love may be more--- all encompassing. You can feel not only your own joys and happiness or pain but you can also feel other people's . When your heart "goes out" to someone, you really feel it. I felt it last nite to someone I didn't even know. I felt it for a girl and a cat. Its a little easier to express that love to someone you know than to someone you don't.
To feel someone's pain is not pity. They don't want your pity anyway. What they do want is your love. You don't have to express it with words; its as simple as a smile or a hug or a tear streaming down your face. But some people can't deal with that - they don't understand or its misinterpreted(mixed signals).
I've always had a hard time expressing myself. People don't understand me. I get lost. I get confused. I think I've been trying to control what my mother termed as "very sensitive". Why should I control that? Isn't what I feel important? Isn't that part of love?
So if I try and control my feelings because its "not acceptable" in the workplace or public etc aren't I denying myself from myself?? Am I denying myself from love? And all this self control, won't it lead to outbursts that some would consider as rage or passive/agressiveness? When all I really want is to show my love. Is any of this making any sense??
Why on earth would i want to work with people who have expectations of me? Expectations of self control, of not being able to share. And of course i would have expectations of them to understand me. How is this possible? i dont know them and they don't know me. It takes so much time to get to know someone; however there are some on this earth that you can automatically connect with, but they are so few and far between.
Maybe this post is all twisted.
I'm afraid of people. Not phobic afraid, just that it takes so much time to get to know someone or for them to know you. I suppose that a lot of trust is involved in all this. But its great when you do find a few people who take the time and understand.
**Maybe its not people I'm afraid of maybe its love. Maybe i'm afraid of love or to let it show. Maybe its been under too much control. Maybe I'm afraid to let love in. I'm sure I'm afraid of being hurt. I know i've been hurt time and time again.** Maybe for the first time last nite, I let love in/out.
I have a heart. I felt it last nite. Love is real. Love is not pity. Love is empathy and compassion. Love is wanting to do something for a stranger you just met. Love is wanting to help. Love is wanting to share in the joys and the pains of life with others. Love is wanting to connect and understand. Love has no agenda.
don't you worry one little bit about the tanning bed comment. You had no idea or no way of knowing. I'm sorry if I came off to you the wrong way.
Merry- You did not say it wrong- and I am not upset- I promise.
Hugs and Blessings- TJ
I understand this feeling- but not everyone can and not everyone is as sensitive to things as some of us are- you are very empathetic. Some people are as non empathetic as you seem to be empathetic- meaning they just do not get it.
Since I was a little girl I have been extra sensitive to others pains and feelings- even those that they do not show, or share with anyone. It has been a good thing and a not so good thing to have. I am so sensitive to the point that I cannot stand when someone ignores the pain another feels- it does not even have to be a personal pain of mine or someone I know, but it hurts me to think there are those who do not care for the feelings of fellow human beings, or animals who cannot speak for themselves...I sometimes feel cursed with this. My daughter is the same way.
In this world today there is a huge movement toward non empathetic and non compassionate understandings- it is memememememe and nothing for anyone else. People talk about/demand respect- but show none. It is sad. I suppose our kind are the ones who must carry the burden of compassion for others - though as the song said so long ago- he aint heavy, he's my brother...
I wish those old songs would come back into popularity- Bridge over troubled waters... I''ll be there... he aint heavy...Lucy inthe skies with diamonds...OOPS_sorry, lmao!!
Oh well, you know what I Mean- TJ
i understand your whole thing about empathy. What I'm trying to learn or figure out is how to "use" it without it being so overwhelming. I don't mean control it, i don't think. I know its a part of me, always has been; so muc so that I was termed "crybaby" by my mom and my brother. They made fun of me when i was little, even took pictures, trying to get me to control this essence within me.
I'm not depressed although I have been in that place before. Its dark and unruly and terribly out of control. However , PMS likes to drag my feet into that place sometimes. I can cry at the drop of hat sometimes---- a song, a tv commercial, a movie you name it. And people say, " Are you crying?" and because its "not acceptable" or they don't understand, I lie, wipe my eyes very discreetly and say, "no".
Why should I hide what i feel? I'm sure if I let it consume me it would overwhelm me and perhaps put me in that place of darkeness again. How can i "use" this feeling of love and empathy and not be overwhelmed?
I think depression is part of the thought processes that become overwhelmed, whereas love and empathy come from the heart. Maybe that's what i should work on, knowing the difference so i can become more aware. Then I could "control" the thought processes that get me down. I guess that was like my birthday and realizing that llife wasn't about birthdays and cake.
I sent you or posted a copy of that poem i wrote didn't I?? Let me know. I can repost it.
thanks. that's good advice. I might try it sometime.
:)
Sept.17, 2006 6:51 pm
The day has come and its almost gone but i managed to get things done. I hit the books and learned some chemistry. Thank the gods this part ain't such a mystery to me. My house is clean and so am i. My head hurts. I wonder why. gotta love this poetry. LOL.
Gotta call the SIL and see if she's heard anything. Fix some dinner and head to bed to rest my poor old aching head.
So much for deep thinking.
I like Fredas advice!! That'll tell 'em.
But the answer to the question- wondering how to control it- is that there is no answer, IMO. Why are children told not to cry- not to be so sensitive about things- why are we all taught that showing our feelings is wrong? Espsecially boys- big boys don't cry, you know...
I think I can often get overwhelmed with feeling others pains or feelings, because I never had anyone who understood that it was natural for some to have this empathy- infact I think it is natural for everyone, but it has been sucked out through years of social grooming or something. It is taboo in society to have sympathy or empathy for anyone else- maybe it is part of the survival of the fittest thing. To have empathy for another might be to have empathy for the enemy, or the one who is trying to get your spot on the team, or the girl at work who wants your position and will do anything to get it.
Survival of the fittest gone severely wrong- we now reward selfishness and greed rather than reward compassion and empathy for others. Why is it that when someone does a good deed for another- saves a life or leaves a huge tip after winning the lottery or just jumps in and helps another save her house mortgage, it is suddenly huge news and like a freak show we muse over it like it was something from outer space?? Truthfully, we oughta be reaching out and helping the kid that is doing rotten in school without needing to be patted on the back- and help those who have nothing get something without making them feel like the scum of the earth because they did not have something to begin with.
I have a biased opinion, I suppose.
But there is no way to control the things that we feel about others feelings- we just have to feel them- and then find a way to act upon our feelings so that something is done on whatever scale to erradicate the thing that causes pain in others- or just reach out with a smile to the kid in walmart getting reamed by her Dad cause she doesn't know the correct formula for converting grams to pounds, and how much was the dog food a pound, etc.,...Yes, I over reacted and screamed at him to tell me the answer, and embarrassed him terribly- which in turn made me feel rotten for him...but his daughter was all of twelve years old and in tears, and I couldn't help it.
It is my reaction I have to learn to control- not the feelings. The feelings are suppose to be there. Just nobody ever told me they were ok.
What hurts me so bad is that I am usually powerless to do anything for anyone who is hurting...but I have the feelings, so there must be something I am suppose to do- even if it is just say that I know the pain, and I understand. Smile and tell some kid, it is ok- you will learn math if you keep trying and do not be affraid of it. Maybe I should write a book and tell people to be more sympathetic of their children, step back and look at what you are doing to your kids with crap like this- what are you thinking??Maybe I could teach people to trace their own histories of heartache back to when they were kids- remember how your Father made you feel at twelve- well do not visit that on your baby. I don't know- I only know that the feeling is right. But we are taught in life that to be sensitive is to be weak. To be sensitive is to allow others to win over something on us- like it must be a sin to share our strengths with another. We might miss getting our cut or something.
You cannot control your empathetic feelings but you can control how you choose to help another. That is about it.
Depression is a whole nother thing- and yes, I have dealt with my share of that too. I do get depressed from time to time- it is natural and is caused by a miriad of things- bio-chemical and situational. The thing with depression is that I do not stay down long. When a doctor mentions,"oh, you are depressed"- I laugh at him, and say- yeah, well?? I dare another doctor to shove another prescription for antidepressant at me! As if a little pill will miracously do something to change the situation I am in- no little pill is gonna change what is wrong with my body. My attitude will do more for me than a pill that will give me some temporary chemical fix. What about when the pill shuts off, or what if I do not want to take a pill, and have to change pills every two years, for the rest of my life? I promise if a Doctor can do that he will. I'd rather be me, without some pill that is suppose to balance my moods, or make me do the thoraxine shuffle and have no ability to smile or have a reaction to stimuli, lmao!! Pills should be temporary with those who have situational or temporary depression- IMO. I am biased here too, sorry. Besides that - those of us who tend to be a bit bi-polar are probably having latent reactions to how we were raised anyway, lol! (Just speaking for myself here, nooooooooone else, promise)
I seem to remember your birthday cake poem- but post it again anyway.
And do not worry that you are feeling those wonderful empathetic feelings- you are a human being that will not conform to the unnatural prospect of being totally selfish.
I'd love to reply to all this right now but dinner's almost ready and my head and neck are screaming.
What I will say is today, Chris was here when I got home. Said his dad wasn't home and didn't know when he was gonna be home and Chris didn't have a key, could he stay here while i was gone to school??
Another hard thing to do; No, you have to jet, i said. It was like he had nowhere to go, not even back to his friend's house whre he spent the nite.
Seems like no one trusts him, not even me. HMMMMMM.\
You got it, Merry. The funny thing is we reach out to help someone, to make a difference in their lives. The true difference is what reaching out and caring does in our own life.
Blessings,
Donna:
<<<You got it, Merry>>>
Which part do i have?? There was an aweful lot in that post. The thing was, I "wanted" to reach out, but i couldn't. All I could do was 'feel" and cry for the girl i didn't know. At least I could cry and hug the girl i DID know.
